- Dr. Peter Stahl is the Senior Vice President of Male Sexual Health and Urology at Hims & Hers.
- He says men often worry about how much sex they are having or not having.
- This is Stahl’s story, told to Kelly Burch.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Peter Stahl. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Throughout my training as a urologist and my years of working in the field of men’s sexual health, one subject keeps coming up: men want to know if they have a “normal” relationship. amount of sex.
There is a lot of pressure, especially on men, to have what they perceive as a sex life. There is an idea that people should have lots of sex and certain types of sex. If they are not, it can lead to disappointment and stress, which can kill libido.
This is why it is so important for people to know that there is no such thing as normal.
I am happy to have data to refer patients to
Sure, I can explain it over and over again, but a lot of my patients didn’t believe me. That’s why I was thrilled to see the results of a He & Her Poll on the sexual habits and outlook of Americans. More than 5,000 people participated in the 2022 survey.
As a doctor, I read a lot of research. And I saw this report as a tool to help my patients. It’s one thing to say there’s no such thing as normal, and it’s another to follow that up immediately with data points.
For example, 75% of respondents said they thought other people had sex more than once a week, but only 54% of respondents said they had sex that often. Only 22% of respondents said more sex would improve their sex life.
All of this lends credence to the message I’m trying to get across: there is no such thing as normal and you don’t have to worry about comparisons.
A good sex life is a life you are happy with
A good sex life is one where both partners are happy, satisfied and communicate openly. What this means for each person is extremely individualized. I know couples who have sex once a month and feel connected and fulfilled. For others, the physical bond of sex is an integral part of their weekly interactions as a couple. Some couples can’t have penetrative sex but are content with other types of games.
Most of the time, my patients know when they are sexually out of sync with their partners. They may not know why or how to fix it, but they realize something is wrong.
This is where communication comes in. I’ve learned that you can’t separate the physical from the psychological when it comes to sex. As a urologist, I can medically treat a man’s erectile dysfunction, but at the same time I will refer him to other resources like sex therapy.
I wish all my patients cared less about other people’s sex. Instead, they should focus on creating their own positive sex life: a life where they feel refreshed, happy with the sex they have, and connected to their partner if they have one.